Hey everybody, I created a new video, where I am showing you the pieces of art from my series "simply". It transmits, each in its own vibration, the essence of lightness, purity, joy, awareness, heartopenings, love and simplicity of life, that we can access, when we go within and feel who we really are.
These drawings can be purchased as prints or on products of all kinds. If they speak to you, go here and see what lights you up: https://fineartamerica.com/profiles/petra-heveroch
I offer individually tailored art commissions for both private and corporate clients. Curious? Go here: http://www.theartofserenity.com/art-services.html
I also sell my high frequency originals of various sizes worldwide. Go here: http://www.theartofserenity.com/originals.html
Pick the message that you want to give to yourself.
Much love, have a beautiful day!
When life shows you what you did not want to see
I went home, arrived in Cologne, it was dark and rainy, and I was in bliss. What could possibly not be perfect. I was free, I had some money backup from the state for another half year. In Germany the state is supporting unemployed academics going into self-employment, for 12 months. I was looking forward to meeting friends, doing sessions, being creative with art and videos and building my business the art of Serenity.
I realized that I carried the belief, that now, after I quit and followed my heart, automatically a huge amount of clients and waves of abundance would be showered over me, as a thank you from the universe for being authentic. Being back, I noticed though, that the creation process of art and mindful videos etc. was totally blissful for me, but the process of showing myself (sellingwise) on social media was the opposite. Suddenly I had to admit that I did not trust myself, that I was seeking validation and approval for my posts, that I wanted everybody to freak out over what I offered. When that (of course) did not happen, I was confronted with such an unexpected wave of intense selfpity, panic, anger, frustration, blame, insecurities and confusion. that it caught me totally of guard.
I was organizing a conscious cowork retreat with some friends in January 2018 and without expecting it at all, one week before, I manifested a pretty breakdown. I was given the chance to feel some deeper layers of fears, that I have been successfully pushing away for so long. I had a week of a sudden, overwhelming sense of existential panic, survival fears related to money, unworthiness and helplessness. I cried almost nonstop for a few days. I did not know how I should pay my rent after summer, I was so low, I didnt "function" (another limiting belief), couldn't be there for others (another one), I was feeling depressed and had no idea what was happening. It was exactly the state I did not want to walk into my own retreat with. But I did and it worked out beautifully and magically, with the help of amazing friends.
Facing fears - spring 2018
Back then, I did not know that this would only be the start of an immense transformative process of allowing hidden, stored, supressed, ignored feelings to come up to be felt. In this intense phase I realized, that I had been a successful pain-avoider for most of my life, out of selfprotection. I think, when it is time, you are confronted with all stored and supressed stuff and you got to embrace it fully, layer after layer, in perfect timing, before it is integrated.
In march 2018, I went into a 3 months long guided guided program of selfrealization with a couple of close friends, This was one of the most intense, challenging, tough, surreal and mindaltering phase I remember. When you think you can't go deeper, you are taught otherwise. It was a total inward confrontation with hidden beliefs, old programings, deep fear and pain from childhood, for most of us. A 3 months rollercoaster, fluctuating between breakdowns, releases, heightened senses of awareness and deep realizations, dropping so much of what we thought, was defining us, shedding so many layers.
All my creative impulses were gone, as if a switch was pulled. It was hard to explain to those who were not on this selfrealization journey, so I did not talk about it so much. But we all changed in that time and became a close, supportive community. We all went through the same, at the same time. It was deeply healing, like an inner detox. Between march 2018 and now I have cried so much, from releases and awe, as I have not cried all my life before. It feels like a total deconstruction and renewal, without knowing where the journey goes, why it all happens and what was really going on.
It was all about letting every feeling be embraced fully, loved, held, without "wanting it to go away", without clinging to the story, to memories and traumas. And at the same time, being aware of you as the awareness itself. Energetically, I noticed that these feelings were often felt like a strong contraction or pain in some body part. By embracing it, it moved slowly upwards through the body and was released somehow. If I hadnt experienced it, I would not have believed it.
A new, subtle sense of worthiness and selflove emerged slowly, but layers of fears continued to emerge. Without plannning this, right after the program ended, I got the sudden impulses to paint and inspire again, from a new, purer level, so it felt.
Dropping plans - summer 2018
I noticed that a part of me, that is focused on safety and protecion, wanted to have everything planned and organized, like trips and happenings in the future. But the larger part of me wanted to be in the moment and let it all be led by impulses and synchronicities. An interesting battle between heart and mind followed. In May, I went to Mexico, visitied friends in different places, all in the flow and attended my first ayahuasca ceremony. It was the most terrifying and most beautiful night up to this point. I will maybe share more on a later point.
Over the summer 2018, I was in between inner journeys and outer experiences. Many project teams and ideas for brands, events, online platforms and coachings emerged and fell apart again, momentums were building and collapsing. Nothing seemed to be stable and reliable. Except for my art that I felt deeply drawn to, During another Bentinho Massaro retreat in July, where I also illustrated and exhibited my art, I felt that I want to now focus primarily on building the brand art of Serenity as an inspiration for people to feel the pure sense of being, an inner peace that is undisturbed and independant from outer circumstances. It felt honest from the heart to do this, offering uplifting calligraphic art, nature clips for the soul and zen photography. To help people connect to their heart.
While all other team projects were collapsing by themselves. I tried to embrace more fears and lack beliefs around abundance and selfworth. I was getting more and more ok with feeling it, but what felt pretty intense was the balancing act of the 2 worlds I was in: The 3d world of building a brand, having to pay the rent, doing taxes, needing to plan an organize everyday stuff versus the inner transformations, the knowing that we are so much more and that linearity and matter was only an illusion of the mind. I had felt and experienced too much to deny it. But I was struggling to bridge the 2 worlds, let alone explaining my inner journey to my academic friends or parents
Knowing nothing - fall & winter 2018
In late summer, I had weeks of being immersed in business building, videomaking and art, including a new line of channeled light code art and attracted clients who purchased some. That felt really good. In these phases I noticed bouts of trust and soft confidence, then again a lack belief kicked in, leaving me lost and exhausted. Then a sudden shift would happen and I was only drawn to inner awareness practice and dove into satsangs of Mooji, Adyashanti and Sri Summairu, all fully selfrealized sages who speak from a place of truth. If you dont know what I mean, read this brilliant summary of a "home-coming" journey here, by Robert Adams.
In these phases, I had such an intense longing and desire for truth and I was desperatly seeking something I call full awakening. Coming from the lackbased view that something out there can give it to me and that I was the little me chasing it. So many of my friends were on the same path and we could support one another. Being immersed in awareness, things like google analytics and follower-building on social media seemed almost absurd. I did not know why I had these changes in focus and impulses, from truth-seeking to creative flows and back. It confused me and made it impossible to stick to one project for a long period of time with discipline and focus. Over and over, I got challenged to trust the unfolding, trust in the unknown. A nightmare for the rational scared mind.
I noticed that the mindy part of me falsly thought it had control over what was happening and could plan the future or even dive into visualisation stuff to create the desired reality. Over and over I dropped it, tried to not insist on the outcome, just focused on the desired state of being. Until even that felt like too much forced effort and I got back to total surrender. It seemed, that every bit of attchement to outcome, that I had, was being smashed over and over again for me do learn some lessons.
There was a place inside of me that felt that this needed to happen, that there is goodwill and gifts in everything and that we will understand everything backwards. But the sense of seeker's exhaustion and business-building effort was growing. When I let everything be, it felt best.
Especially during 2017 I had deepened my connection and love for nature to an extent, that when I saw little wonders of life around me, like the beauty of light reflections on water, or wind in grass or a butterfly, I got sudden rushes of such an immense love and awe that it was overwhelming. It often ended in crying and laughing at the same time because I feel a sense of purity, beauty and expansion in my heart, that was unlike anything.
Since I saw little wonders everywhere, I started to record short clips of nature moments and created videos of these, with healing piano music of a friend and some inspiring texts. I felt such joy in this. I knew that they soothe the whole being, bring you into the present moment and reconnect you to the heart. If you like, see them here.
At the beginning of October 2018, I was off to Bali, for another 2 months of co-working and exploring what was relevant for me. Something had changed. It felt like a state where I fully admitted that I dont know anything. Total surrender through exhaustion. I saw so clearly my self-deceptions, my arrogance, selfishness, showing-off-mentality, old patterns, egostuff. At the same time, I dropped deeper into selflove and selfworth than ever, trying to not blame me for all of this. Just being aware, recognizing it, honouring it and being open to all that came felt so true. I didn't feel like getting into spiritual arguments or telling others what to think and feel.
During my time on Bali, I was living with a friend in a paradise like place, supported my body/heart-system with yin yoga, connected with amazing old and new soul friends, realized a lot and feel more and more peace, calmness and ok-ness inside. And my gratitude for the sacredness of life even increased so much. I was more and more ok with surrendering and not knowing what will happen. I trusted so much more. At the same time, whatever arose in terms of emotional triggers and releases, was felt much more intensly, deeply, intimitely. It was superpainful at times. But needed and healing. There is a beautiful (and looong) text from sage Sri Summairu, that resonated so much. Read it here, slowly, with your heart, if you want.
HEART OPENINGS - JANUARY 2019
In the last 2 weeks in Bali something happened that is hard to explain. I had such a heart opening (or that is what I think it was) that I felt like a spaceholder for all of my parts that wanted to come up to be seen and felt, all pain, fear, confusion, old patterns, doubts. From one day to the next I felt such a motherly, warm, deep compassion for all of me, unlike that was before (I know I keep saying that.)
What seemed to come with this was an equal compassion and love for everybody else, holding them whereever they are, feeling them aspart of me. Seeing all in their absolute okness and perfection. This was also accompanied by a very strong desire to be of service to others in these ways, offering a safe, unconditional space, where we are met with all that we are, It felt like all egoic, selfcentered energies in me were simply erased within one night. I was blown away and speechless.
This state lasted in it's intensity for about 3 weeks. Then it felt as it if was subsiding, the loving expansion was gone. And I was back to not embracing the parts that suffered, I was the parts that suffered. Intense waves of old childhood fears, insecurities and limiting beliefs came up, old feelings of "not being loved, not being seen, not being wanted." It was again just about letting it out, mostly with a lot of crying and a lot of selfpity. Again looking in the outside for validation, appreciation, permission to exist.
But I knew that my outer circumstances would reflect this back to me, until I give these parts what they need: Selflove, Nobody else could give this to me. My mind was constantly looking for the outer proof that I am really not loved and wanted. This is the filter of the mind, it can be brutal. It was an ongoing journey of releasing and allowing, of daring to break old patterns and sliding back into them.
Then, at times, more distance: A knowing that all is SEEN: these ups and downs, the rollercoaster, the "shaddow work", the longing to finally wake up one day in complete, irreversible selfworth, as if it had to be suddenly dropped into my lap. There might never be an end of ups and downs, there might never be an end to the amount of healing that can be done. There might never be a day where the character (thinking of itself as a separate entity) that is played out, will feel total selfworth. Maybe never. Maybe it is in itself a bottomless pit of integration, growth, selfdiscovery, healing, expansion and contraction.
There is something that sees all of this, and sees the whole path of the little person from the space of total perfection, wholeness and completeness. The awareness, that allows the whole game to happen exactly as it happens.
So I saw, that if I choose to, I can become aware of the space underneath the ups and downs, the thoughts and emotional rollercoasters. A space of quiet, silent, undisturbed peace. That which sees it all. It feels like the untroubled, vast ocean floor,, that connects us all, while on top crazy waves are going on.
The more I saw that it is my choice and my power to be aware of it or not, the whole game was again about playful lightness, exactly that, a GAME. Everything in the game is an experience. I saw more clearly that parts of me always want to run to the next teacher, sage, channeling or whatever outer means there are to confirm, assure or give me the next hint, pointer, nugget, permission to allow me to be who I already was.
This is ok and not to be judged, but also, once seen, it can be shifted. A new perspective can be trained like a muscle. Falling and standing up. It is so good to ask ourselves: What is it we are waiting for? We are scared to admit that we alone hold all the power. Yes, it can be so nice to have a higher source for help, then we do not have to do it ourselves.
DISCIPLINE & A NEW FOCUS
Between Asia in autumn 2018 and my next coworking trip I spent only 2 months at home. In February 2019 I left to India. I knew that India was a tough and fascinating place, since I had been there before but I did not expect it to push all my buttons that had to do with body issues, safety and wellbeing. And I did not expect it to gift me with "once in a lifetime experiences".
I met friends in different places, jumped into the largest human gathering on the planet, the Kumbh Mela festival, went to Mooji satsangs in Rishikesh, made new friends, discovered the world of Ayurveda and watched bodies burn in the ghats of Varanasi. This trip showed me all my fears around constantly needing to keep my body in a safe, protected, warm, clean, silent, spacious and esthetic environment.
I could perfectly train my alignment in settings that were the exact opposite of safe, warm, spacious, clean and inviting. It showed me that when I need to put lots of energy in selfprotection, I have no urge for creativity or business building. The trip also showed me - again - deeper layers of feeling connected to everything. It showed me that I avoid discipline, focus, routine and structure but that all of that is needed for selfcare, selfempowerment and independancy. It showed me at the same time that following my intuitive impulses in every moment is the way to go, since miracles happen. It was a party of paradoxes.
I saw that there is no end to learning and deepening in life. After coming back I was dedicated to offer new services from the heart and build a solid foundation in supporting people with the issues I overcame and learned myself as well as the things that come easily and naturally to me. My souls nudged me with loving and sometimes intense kicks in the butt to own my power, my alignment, my state of being, my wellbeing and urged me to step up for greater services. With this came more clarity and a new joy and willingness to face my greatest fears as portals to freedom, to speak more vulnerably and openly about what moves me, to stop hiding and to encourage others to become self-sufficient creators.
How many people (myself included) are blocking themselves from the true freedom, inner peace and joy that is our birthright by avoiding to feel their feelings fully, by not taking responsibility for their reflections, by being a victim of circumstances, by believing what the mind program whispers in their heads to keep them small and limited.
I desire us all to thrive with our soul passions and callings, living an abundant, free, empowered, compassionate, light, fulfilled and conscious life.
What I have learned is what I want to inspire with: Home is inside. The human collective is shifting from head to heart and will be experiencing groundbreaking realizations in the coming years. Slowly quantum physics, neuro science and other areas discover - often in total amazement - what sages throughout time have talked about. Everything is energy. Everything is connected. There is no ultimate truth. Reality is very different than what we though it is. There is no limit to (human) potential. The outside is a direct reflection of our inside. And much much more.
A lot will change for all of us, while humanity wakes up.
MY CALLING, MY MISSION AND MY VISION, REDEFIGNED
There seems to be 2 parallel paths happening now, both of which feel very true, right and fulfilling.
1) Petra Heveroch services: DEDICATED TO TRUE FREEDOM & WELLBEING.
Honest & holistic guidance for an aligned life: Embrace yourself, be free & play!
I am here to embody a new paradigm of freedom & wellbeing.
During the shift in consciousness that is happening on this planet right now, we go through a rollercoaster of highs and lows, are confronted with limiting beliefs, supressed emotions & collective programming that is being released and cleared along the way. We all have our own unique journey.
And on this journey we are asked to go within, face our pains, fears and shaddows, embrace it all, love it, integrate it and choose our truest state of being, over and over.
Well, to be honest, it can be tough. :) Beautiful, mindblowing and intense. I am asked everyday to be true to myself and embody in myself what I want to see in the outside. So I do this, to the best of my ability, in highs and lows, and hold myself, all parts and others, with the most gentleness, care & empathy possible. With humor, lightness and radical honesty.
My VISION for this planet is that people and businesses alike
🌸 live & act aligned to their heart.
🌸 are free, well, at ease, abundant & internally fulfilled.
🌸 are realizing that we are all one family.
I can only show you with the maximum honesty what I go through, while doing my best to choose, in every moment, a state of being that feels true from the heart, without insistence to the outcome.
☀️ Choosing trust over distrust, clarity over confusion, abundance over scarcity, awareness over mind, creativity over stuckness, playfulness over seriousness, spontaneity over strict rules, flow over stagnation, selfembrace over selfrejection, worthiness over unworthiness, generosity over greed, all-is-possible-mindset over old paradigms, selfresponsibility over blame, kindness over fights, transparency over dishonesty, passion over lethargy, synergy over competition, service over selfishness, heart over head, source-intuition over facts, love over fear, awe over narrow mindsets and unity over separation.
🔥 And holy moly, sometimes it is easy, sometimes not so easy. On some days I am feeling small and limited and wanna blame life and on (a growing number of) other days I can tap into it and be it. And that is all part of the game.
💃 You have to find your own nuggets and make your own choices based on your inner voice. Nothing outside will change if you dont change first. I know from experience that any shift starts with me and ends with me. I want to show you, by example (also when its going downhill ;)) what practically, in everyday life, works for me and support you through the shift, so you might be inspired to live an aligned life or run an aligned business, connect to your own truth and find your own alignment. So you can unwrap all the gifts that are ready for you and totally fall in love with the wonder of life.
I trust in a paradigm of ease. All doors are open.
2) the art of Serenity - DEDICATED TO THE WONDER OF LIFE
As nature, sound, art and beauty are such perfect dooropeners to this state of inner harmony, the art of Serenity as my brand will offer you calligraphic art, art services, soul films and zen photography.
If this speaks to you, you can stay updated via https://www.facebook.com/artofserenity/
It feels really awesome. It is as if my soul throws a party because I am finally stepping into my true purpose. Along the way, fears and triggers come up to be felt and integrated. But an inner peace is always there, accessible for all of us, as the ground of being.
Enjoy the ride! :)
The next shift happened during a wedding of my best friend in the Provence, France, a couple of months after I had the idea of quitting. It was the summer of 2011. In the middle of a beautiful nature setting, I had amazing talks about purpose and freedom with likeminded people and suddenly, in one second, something clicked. I knew: now or never. No more postponing, no more faking. I decided to do a year long sabbatical and this time I was not wavering.
I told all of my friends, my collegues and my boss and finally quit my job which resulted in emotional highs of unknown proportions. Only after I did all of that I told my father. This was one of the most difficult moments I can remember. Funny how some near death experiences and extreme adrenaline moments on my travels can feel pretty ok to handle while breaking free from authority figures can feel like the scariest thing to do, almost impossible to face. I did it finally and it resulted in another freakout and him not talking to me for a couple of weeks. But I had made my decision.
AROUND THE WORLD
This decision was one of the best I have ever made. My first real breakout. I left work in January 2012 and went on my journey through Central and South America, Australia and Asia. This adventure was mindblowing, nurturing, intense, wonderful and magical. I was free like a bird. I did not miss my home, my family, my friends, my old life. I could have gone on forever. On trips like this you suddenly meet people who are of like mind, valueing freedom over security.
Since I was into selfempowerment and selfrealization, I was in bliss mode almost constantly. When I was not in bliss mode, I discovered more of my limiting beliefs and topics like loneliness. dependancy on other people's reactions, speaking out for myself, the stuff you face in social groups, no matter where you are in the world. You take yourself everywhere you go. If you ever plan a sabbatical as an escape from your circumstances or yourself, forget it, it is impossible.
I tried to to face everything that came up, which worked only medium well. But my urge for freedom was perfectly satisfied. I learned so much about myself, dropped a few fears and uncovered more of the real me. I wrote a travel book, realizing how much I enjoyed writing, but did it only for me and some close friends.
What I did not let go off during my trip was the belief that if I wasn't able to download an incredible idea on how to make a living out of something I love until the end of my sabbatical, the window of freedom would close and another corporate prison would wait with open arms. And so it did. No idea download, no self-employment. Back to applying for marketing jobs. And this time I was more aware that I create these job bootcamps for myself to learn more about me and to see through contrast what I loved and disliked. But seeing through it and having the strength to break patterns and jump into the unknown are 2 different things.
It was the summer of 2013 and I had manifested a job in a company that was even worse. Worse meaning full of people believing in "work hard, play hard". Worse meaning I had to commute everyday, spending around 1.5 hours a day in a train packed with grumpy workoholics. It felt like such a waste of precious time. Even stricter rules, more insanity, more faking, I was laughing and crying at the same time. Literally the things I was sure about (great friends) and the ones I was scared about (long hours, bad salary, mean boss, boring and frustrating tasks) all manifested brilliantly.
While I enjoyed my social life at work, the feeling of being in the wrong field got almost absurd. I did not like my tasks one bit and this time I had no energy of pretending whatsoever. That is of course not clever if you want to stay in the job.
After 1.5 years of faking it with miserable results I knew this had to stop. I started applying for jobs in my hometown again and knew I would be out of there within months. I still had the belief system running that I had to make my living out of being employed but I had at least started thinking about doing photography as a business on the side and was looking for part time jobs. Yay, such a huge step giving the fears.
Meanwhile the commuting and the workoholic atmosphere drained me more and more. Similar to my first job I manifested tasks and projects that felt totally stupid, brainless and exhausting. I could not identify with my tasks nor with the values of the company. I was feeling miserable.
What you put out is what you get back
Then everything changed. It decided to do an experiment. I had heard so many times and seen for myself on occasions that in order to attract an outside reflection/situation, you must FIRST feel like you already have it, you have to really BE the vibration of it first. Choosing the state of being no matter whether the outside circumstances say. So I decided to give it a go. I was so fed up with selfpity and suffering.
One rainy morning in November 2015, I decided in the midst of all the miserable circumstances to feel as if I was on summer holidays. This playful, blissful, carefree, childlike feeling of having nothing to do, being completely at ease. I managed to keep up this inner state of playful freedom for 3 days straight while my prisonlike circumstances stayed the same. I kept my vibes high. Again, like during the crisis in 2008, during these 3 days I kept hearing the inner voice saying „soon“. Goosebumps again.
On the 4th day I was called into the office of my boss and got fired on the spot. It was the best day ever. There was not a single thought of having screwed up, they told me that the board commitee had unexpectatly decided to eliminate the position due to budget reasons without further notice.
My boss, who appreciated my work, told me, that even though he had tried, he couldn't talk them out of it. He seemed genuinely sad when he told me that I would of course be allowed to leave the office right then and there, having a couple of weeks paid contract still. He assured me to give me a huge allowance and the best certificate ever. In other words he apologized.
All the while I was sitting there and couldn't believe my ears. I tried to act at least a little bit shocked while at the same time a huge party was going on inside of me. I was blissed out. It had worked. I had put out the vibration of freedom and ease and all that could be reflected back to me was circumstances of freedom and ease. It was a total shift.
What followed was a phase of absolute ecstacy, freedom and joy for 5 months straight without working, I got good money and had time to travel with best friends through Guatemala, Belize and Mexico. On top of that, 2 weeks after having been fired I was hired by another company in my home town, partime in Marketing. Commuting was over, my new company was located a beautiful 3 minute bike ride from my flat. So much was changing.
On a swing in paradise. Mexico 2016
It was amazing to see how my circumstances have always been a direct reflection of the perfect mixture of the transformational life themes, limiting beliefs I had transformed and those that were still inside of me.
My new job turned out to give me a lot more freedom, flexibility, less strict rules, again wonderful collegues and a bit more enjoyment of the tasks, at least at first. For a year or so I truly soaked up the new found freedom, the enhanced leasure time and the cozy sense of relaxation. But what I happily (and out of selfprotection) ignored was the fact that I still WAS IN NO WAY doing what I loved.
The same patterns repeated themselves. It was as if my higher self was sending me through the same loops checking when I was finally getting it. I was trying to reduce my actual work I invested to a minimum while living for the time I could actually do what I loved. I still lived for the evenings, the days off, weekends, my photography and my travels. This went more or less well for a year and a half.
It was hilarious how I could see myself going down a similar path once again, a part of me observing me from the outside, another part being completely invested in my fears and blockages. Again, for the 3rd time in the 3rd job I eventually manifested very uncomfortable, boring and brainless tasks, a control freak as a boss, a ridiculous salary and disrespectful behaviours around me, which left me falling back into complaining like all other collegues.
The end of a cycle
This time my body and soul screamed a clear „this is it“ at me. For real. I knew that I had perfectly created a situation that I could no longer endure. I knew that I could not spend another couple of years ignoring my heart out of fear. I finally wanted do what I love for a living or die trying. Mind is such a drama queen.
A part of me had developed a good sense of humour about myself, not taking things so seriously, That part knew that life is all just a big game we are playing and that there was so much more. The other part was suffering from my own limitations. On a day where I was so low that I was sitting underneath my desk at work, banging my head against the wall, asking myself if my life was really about copy/pasting numbers from one excel sheet to the other, I decided to finally take the jump.
This time there would be no sabbatical after which I was going back to old systems. I was ready to embrace true freedom and selfexpression, even if that meant an „unknown future, high risk and potential failure“ (quoted by my father and some of my friends).
It was autumn 2016 when I did a casual creative session with a friend at home. I gave into the nudge I had been receiving from my inner voice for months, that I had to start painting again. I scribbled a few feel good sketches, posted them in a creative facebook group and was blown away by the reaction (read more here).
I painted a bit more and slowly realized that these pieces of art were moving something deep inside of those looking at it. People called it healing art. I knew I was not really the one doing the painting, I was receiving the paintings literally. I never knew what would be painted, it was just flowing through me.
What the mind cannot grasp
I slowly opened up to the possibility of doing artwork and illustrations as services. The more I opened up and admitted to myself that I would indeed quit for real, the more magic happened around me. I began to feel energy in my chakras (which I had refused to believe in until then), I started to feel my third eye in a Kundalini yoga class, I connected with soulmates who were going through similar shifts, I found a new tribe.
My sceptical mind, trained to only look at the surface of things and being highly suspicious, had to give in to the fact that I seemed to activate abilities, I did not know I had. That there was much more to reality, to the big picture than even the few years of empowerment teachings had shown me.
There are no words to describe what I experienced after I quit my job in January 2017. In moments I was in alignment with my soul, my outer reality would shift within minutes, I was often left speechless, with wonder and awe. In moments I was out of alignment, things would be pushed into my face in not so gentle ways.
What I would call my second awakening happened in spring 2017. It was easter sunday morning. I will never forget it. It was so mindaltering that it changed my view on reality forever. I did not share it with my family and most of my friends at home back then, just with likeminded people of my soul tribe,
I was in Sedona, Arizona and participated in meditation sessions with a small group around Bentinho Massaro, a teacher of selfrealization and selfempowerment. We were basically meditating in the beautiful wilderness of the red rocks for almost the full day, a couple of days in a row. To see how deep one can go. On that particular morning I was by myself, looking out into the hills, when I suddenly, within a few seconds, became one with everything. I was the sky, the people, the hills, the universes. It is really impossible to describe it.
My personbased thoughts, fears, doubts, all gone. All was left was an incredible, motherly kind of love towards the whole creation and everybody in it. This state lasted for about 6 hours and it was the deepest, clearest and most scpetical-mind-bending knowing I have ever felt, that all is indeed connected, that there is no separation, that we are just one infinite field. And there was only love.
I knew that the person mind was coming back, when I observed thoughts like "how am I going to explain this at all? WTF. I hope I bring it across right". But I also knew then that in times, when I would feel like the little me trying to survive or wanting to be perceived a certain way, a part of me would always rememember it, because it was touching layers of truth.
I felt clearly that we are not separate at all, that all barriers exist only in the mind. That there is no reason to compete, fight, control, hold back. Why do that to yourself? Even though this state faded that day, I was still staying in a serenity, a peace, a presence and flow that I had not been into before. After this experience I continued traveling through Mexico with friends and I could see how effortlessly all falls into place when I hold no resistance and allow it all to happen in a state of inner alignment. I had somewhat changed and how I saw the world had changed too. I did not have the feeling of now knowing so much more, on the contrary, I felt that we actually really don't know anything.
The end of May 2017 marked my last day at work, I walked out of there in complete bliss and ecstacy and did not look back. I left without hard feelings, made peace with it and all authority figures and bootcamps that had come before. I understood how important this last push had been for me. I was truly grateful.
Around summer I had developed a new sense of love and confidence regarding my path, I saw that my surroundings, especially my father, could only reflect that back to me, I had total support from all sides. I was gifted with a soul tribe of amazing new friends around the world, those, who understand you without a word, where no smalltalk is neccessary. I opened up more and more to receiving high frequency energies, developed abilities and connections to worlds, that I will not go into detail now,
I was mostly bathing in my newfound freedom, not really putting the dedication, time and energy in my business, like other solopreneurs do, when they start. After these years in the corporate "prisons", I finally just wanted to relax and enjoy, from doing to being.
The fall of 2017 I spent in Asia, coworking with friends, working a bit on my photography & art website, on creative projects, but mostly enjoying life to the fullest. I worked on retreats and events as photographer, jumped from one conscious session to the next. I followed the flow of my inner voice, that guided me, after Bali, to Angkor Wat, to Thailand, then in December, back home. It felt like pure, limitless freedom and fulfillment. Not for long. Something unexpected happened, I crashed completely.
Good friends, cozy location, work you love.
Click here for part 3. Feeling my fears.
Looking back I know all of this is just a story and I can truly appreciate every single phase of it now. It was different for a long time. Now I know that I created this journey for myself to play with transformational topics. And it was a transformation indeed.
I grew up as the only child in a quiet and beautiful neighborhood in Cologne, Germany. I had the most loving parents, great friends to play with, I felt protected and cared for. For a long time I never thought that the fact, that I was born with a esophageal dysfunction and having to be operated for 6 hours directly after birth, which resulted in spending the first 3 months of my life not in close human touch with my family, but in a sterile hospital environment, could have any effect on me. The dysfunction was totally removed and healed perfectly, but I suppose it was the first bootcamp I chose to create for myself.
During my childhood I was shifting back and forth between the fear of being left alone, rejcted and abandoned and it's exact opposite, an urge for freedom, adventure and unlimited exploration. I spend a lot of my time outdoors, climbing trees with friends, being in nature instead of playing with dolls and makeup. As a kid, my natural flow states contained sketching, drawing and painting. Often, I couldn't stop. I painted all the time. I can't remember when exactly I started, it must have been very early. Painting was just always happening. Out of pure joy. No second thought about it.
Me in peaceful heaven. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to do.
When I started highschool, I just stopped painting outside the regular art classes, which always got me an A, but I did not care for it. Other things got my attention and became more important, like circles of friends, I wanted to belong to, but didn't. The desire for feeling accepted, integrated, part of a safe group. My highschool rollercoaster with filled with very low lows that mostly had to do with me not being authentic, not speaking out, not being the real me. I wanted nothing more than to belong, to be accepted and to be validated.
Instead of learning that it never ever works that way and instead of expressing my real feelings, I was constantly disregarding and ignoring my voice within. I created for myself a few bootcamps, the worst being a phase of about half a year, when I had the great idea of saying goodbye to my former circle of friends in order to be with the cool ones. That attempt failed epicly.
I was 14 years old and literally manifested for myself the exact situation I was most afraid of: I was totally alone and rejected by my peers. This phase shaped me a lot. During the last 2 years of highschool, social connections shifted though and I became very close friends with people, that I still call soulmates up to this day.
During my time in highschool I learned to deal with the very demanding and strict side that my father showed me in terms of grades, success, career, failure. Even though I somehow knew that he loved me unconditionally, I felt that the amount of his warmth, acceptance and love was dependent on the grades I brought home. Bad grades (and I had the worst in math) meant rejection, distance, disapproval, worry, anger, disharmony.
Not knowing it back then, this shaped me big time, turning me into somebody who would do anything for harmony, even if that meant that I was neglecting my own desires and passions and apologize for things I hadn't done wrong, just so quarrels and fights would stop. I still carry some of these patterns until today but now I see these parts, feel them, embrace them, forgive them, integrate them and learn from them.
I remember exactly the moment when I graduated from highschool and was confronted with the question of what to study. Studying something was a given. All of my friends wanted to go to University, my parents are academics and I didn't spend a single thought on whether or not to do it. Sadly enough I also didn't spend one thought on what I actually felt like studying or to take a closer look at what inspired me, what made my heart sing.
I looked left and right and thought: Well, I am just following my best friends and study what they study. Pear pressure, again not wanting to be alone. I anyway did not have a clue what I wanted to do in life, I only wanted to be free, travel and enjoy myself.
Graduating from high school. Insecure. confused and seeking nothing but a worryfree life.
Business administration? Yeah, my parents approved that. This was something to build a successful career and financial stability on, the most important aspects of life according to my father. There was only one moment when I hesitated and actually tried to listen within. It happened while reading descriptions of different study programs and I just loved what I read about ethnology, psychology, sociology. I had goosebumps. It should have given me a hint.
But this moment of inner connection lasted only about 10 minutes until my parents told me that I couldn't live from a job in these fields. Back then I didn't even try to argue or follow my instincts. Out of confusion and for the overall harmony I dropped the idea instantly. What stayed for a little sadness but I ignored it mostly.
I remember how we were asked in 5th grade what we want to "become when we were grown-up", I remember having to do these tests to find out which profession fits you best and I remember having to talk to a career consultant before finishing highschool. In 5th grade my answer was "jockey or travel writer". The test a few years later told me to do "something with nature" and the consultant asked me "So what do your parents do for living?" I replied "marketing director and economic consultant" and (I kid you not) she replied "well, then you should probably do something similar." End of conversation.
There is definately something wrong with the educational system and we need to shift it,
Of course it turned out that the only thing I truly loved about my studies of economics was the course in psychology, the overall freedom we had in our schedule, spending time with wonderful friends and the endless summer vacations, that I used to do the thing I loved the most: traveling. I went abroad for a couple of months per year, for traveling adventures with friends, for jobs and internships abroad, from Singapore to the US, Costa Rica, France and India. I felt so free, those were the moments when I could breathe deeply.
A wanderer at heart
I have always had this intense urge to visit far and exotic places, see different cultures, explore the unknown, go on adventures, feel ALIVE. It was a constant pull, I could never get enough. Deep within I always knew that the basis of our lifes is freedom and the purpose of our lifes is joy. Every situation that I created, when an authority figure wanted to tell me what I was supposed to do or not to do, caused terrible frustration, anger and rebellion inside of me. The fact that I did not dare to express my opinions made it worse. I was still in the pleasing and hormany seaking mode. I swallowed all of this. Very unhealthy as I would find out soon after.
Deep within I always knew that I was studying the wrong thing. I didn't like 90% of my lectures nor any of my internships, the topics didn't nourish me, the traveling did. Something felt off for me in the corporate world that I would only fully understand once I started my career.
Crazy adventures and bliss during endless travels. Here: in Costa Rica after jungle tour. ;)
The long detour: how to manifest a job bootcamp
The idea of taking a long break to travel, a sabbatical to find out which job I would like, never occured to me after I gradudated from University in 2006. Why? Because all of my friends directly started applying for high level jobs in top companies and I didnt want to be left behind. I just applied for a few marketing jobs, fully aware that I wasn't on the right track. But there was no backbone or clarity within me that could lead me to actually question my path or the whole system of "hard work till you retire".
It was almost hilarious how from the first day in my marketing job every single cell of my body was screaming a loud NO at me, I felt like in prison. Collegues around me were very nice, but that only helped a little bit. The thought of being „forced“ to stare into a computer screen from 9 to 6 till the age of 65 was slowly turturing me. It might sounds overdramatic but to be honest, it felt like it. I did not understand back then that I was creating and choosing all of this. I thought that the system was just imprisoning people and turning them into working slaves.
A boss telling me how many precious days I was allowed to take off to do the thing I loved the most. Having to chase after insane business goals that didn't make any sense to me. Working long hours to prove that work is more important than life. Internal and external competition, Running after clients. Neglecting health, wellbeing, heart. All this drove me crazy. It felt utterly wrong.
Is it me or the others?
Not only the system felt wrong. From the start I thought that there must be something wrong with me. Everybody around me seemed to be REALLY motivated, dedicated and genuinely interested in the companies' success, while I was constantly pretending. I faked and faked, because I thought that there was no way out of it. I felt so weird not caring a bit about my work. While I half heartedly wanted to deliver good results to make a good impression to the authority figures, I wasnt interested at all in my or my departments' success. It felt so empty. Bored. Frustrated. Rebelling inside. I could have of course just quit it. But I was way too afraid. The thought of being selfemployed never occured to me, cause I hated insecurity and risks. Instead, I lived for the evenings, the weekends and holidays.
Faking didnt really work too well for a long period. My body lovingly developed a thyroid malfunction to show me my inauthenticity. Besides that, my internal fights and frustration got mirrored in the outside and a crisis was building at work.
It was during a very intense, stressful and disharmonic phase at work in 2008, that I felt something was shifting. I didnt know what but I could feel something big was happening within. During a few weeks, I constantly „heard” a whisper in my mind that only said one word: “soon”. And everytime I would get a shower of goosebumps while not having a clue what that meant.
Exactly in the days where a huge crisis happened at work and people began to criticize me for my low dedication, I was pushed into my first awakening, through the book “the secret”. I was literally drawn to it. I was moved to the bookshop, my body was sat down and I read it right there in one go. Even though the book only scratches the surface levels of consciousness, truth and spirituality, it was enough then. I felt like my whole world was imploding. I had an incredible, emotional, relieving and overwhelming sense of remembrance. I cried through the whole read and I didn't care what the other people around me thought. I remember going home after that, closing the door, kneeling down at the floor of my apartment and just saying "thank you, thank you, thank you" nonstop.
I had never felt more whole in my being until that point.
The weeks and months after that moment, everything shifted, some parts of me rapidly, some slowly. I was embracing the feeling or rather knowing of being the creator of my reality. I only accepted this because I had first hand experiences of sudden crazy synchronicities, heightened awareness, getting more and more in touch with consciousness through many sources.
I soaked up information about the nature of existence, quantum physics, channelings and could feel changes happening inside. My academic friends were not the ones I could talk to about this but I found enough groups online. It was mindblowing. In my private life I bathed in these new universes and got an incredible feeling of empowerment.
In my job life though, a lot stayed the same. Nonetheless, or rather because of this shift, I was confronted with fears, limiting beliefs and old patterns that were too deeply ingrained inside me to be let go off quickly. What actually made me stay for another 3 years in my job was 1) my fears and worst case szenario thoughts about risk, safety and the unknown. I just did not trust myself. And 2) the fact that I had wonderful friends that nurtured the one thing that energized me at work: Heartbased conversations, listening, caring, soothing, uplifting, coaching, having fun. On the social level I was satisfied, I had great friends inside and outside of work, a loving family, I loved my travels and my photography. But the work aspect got worse.
In 2010, I created for myself (back then I was blaming my workoholic boss) a project that made me physically sick while working overtime on topics I hated. For 3 full months I suffered greatly, bathing in selfpity and anger. After finishing the project, I was totally exhausted and wanted to go on holiday. My boss cancelled it. Too much to do. That was it. It was the proverbial drip that overflows the barrel. I decided: enough is enough. I quit for a roundtheworld trip. Goodbye. I was blown away because in that instant a relief washed over me that I had not felt at all up to that point. All my stomach ache vanished in a second and I was happily floating around in my vision of freedom.
Well, I was floating around until the moment I told my parents about my idea. And the little child got back online. My dad freaked and literally said „you are not going to do that“ as if I was 12 years old. I was 31. The little pleasing harmony seeking child in me dropped the idea instantly. I felt contracted and incredibly sad, but I was choosing the harmony path. You always choose what you perceive as your path of least resistance, of least pain or greatest ease in the moment.
I held on to the decision of leaving my job, but instead of doing a sabbatical, I was applying for other jobs, fully aware that I actually only wanted freedom, not another prison in the corporate world. So I screwed up interview after interview, unconsciously.
On the brink of something new
Read more in part 2:
I am Petra. I am on a journey of transformation, of remembering who I really am, like all of us.
From not following my heart, a lot of inauthenticity, doubts and fears to waking up, a new sense of freedom and discovering deeper layers of truth in my being.
The incredible, surreal and mindblowing things that happened after I finally allowed myself to listen to my inner voice, had such an impact on me, that I want to share them and maybe help and inspire those who are open to it.
I am just offering perspectives. I share my way of tapping into the frequency that is the true nature of all of us: Presence, freedom, gratitude, selfhonesty, allowance, playfulness, litmitlessness, expansion.
When you allow yourself to listen to your inner guidance, you go on a magical (and intense) ride that you cannot even imagine.
If you dare to embrace yourself fully, worlds of incredible beauty will open up inside of you (and in front of you).
Enjoy the ride!
UPDATE: I will share about my path and post inspirational tools, happenings and insights mostly on my facebook page.