When life shows you what you did not want to see
I went home, arrived in Cologne, it was dark and rainy, and I was in bliss. What could possibly not be perfect. I was free, I had some money backup from the state for another half year. In Germany the state is supporting unemployed academics going into self-employment, for 12 months. I was looking forward to meeting friends, doing sessions, being creative with art and videos and building my business the art of Serenity.
I realized that I carried the belief, that now, after I quit and followed my heart, automatically a huge amount of clients and waves of abundance would be showered over me, as a thank you from the universe for being authentic. Being back, I noticed though, that the creation process of art and mindful videos etc. was totally blissful for me, but the process of showing myself (sellingwise) on social media was the opposite. Suddenly I had to admit that I did not trust myself, that I was seeking validation and approval for my posts, that I wanted everybody to freak out over what I offered. When that (of course) did not happen, I was confronted with such an unexpected wave of intense selfpity, panic, anger, frustration, blame, insecurities and confusion. that it caught me totally of guard.
I was organizing a conscious cowork retreat with some friends in January 2018 and without expecting it at all, one week before, I manifested a pretty breakdown. I was given the chance to feel some deeper layers of fears, that I have been successfully pushing away for so long. I had a week of a sudden, overwhelming sense of existential panic, survival fears related to money, unworthiness and helplessness. I cried almost nonstop for a few days. I did not know how I should pay my rent after summer, I was so low, I didnt "function" (another limiting belief), couldn't be there for others (another one), I was feeling depressed and had no idea what was happening. It was exactly the state I did not want to walk into my own retreat with. But I did and it worked out beautifully and magically, with the help of amazing friends.
Facing fears - spring 2018
Back then, I did not know that this would only be the start of an immense transformative process of allowing hidden, stored, supressed, ignored feelings to come up to be felt. In this intense phase I realized, that I had been a successful pain-avoider for most of my life, out of selfprotection. I think, when it is time, you are confronted with all stored and supressed stuff and you got to embrace it fully, layer after layer, in perfect timing, before it is integrated.
In march 2018, I went into a 3 months long guided guided program of selfrealization with a couple of close friends, This was one of the most intense, challenging, tough, surreal and mindaltering phase I remember. When you think you can't go deeper, you are taught otherwise. It was a total inward confrontation with hidden beliefs, old programings, deep fear and pain from childhood, for most of us. A 3 months rollercoaster, fluctuating between breakdowns, releases, heightened senses of awareness and deep realizations, dropping so much of what we thought, was defining us, shedding so many layers.
All my creative impulses were gone, as if a switch was pulled. It was hard to explain to those who were not on this selfrealization journey, so I did not talk about it so much. But we all changed in that time and became a close, supportive community. We all went through the same, at the same time. It was deeply healing, like an inner detox. Between march 2018 and now I have cried so much, from releases and awe, as I have not cried all my life before. It feels like a total deconstruction and renewal, without knowing where the journey goes, why it all happens and what was really going on.
It was all about letting every feeling be embraced fully, loved, held, without "wanting it to go away", without clinging to the story, to memories and traumas. And at the same time, being aware of you as the awareness itself. Energetically, I noticed that these feelings were often felt like a strong contraction or pain in some body part. By embracing it, it moved slowly upwards through the body and was released somehow. If I hadnt experienced it, I would not have believed it.
A new, subtle sense of worthiness and selflove emerged slowly, but layers of fears continued to emerge. Without plannning this, right after the program ended, I got the sudden impulses to paint and inspire again, from a new, purer level, so it felt.
Dropping plans - summer 2018
I noticed that a part of me, that is focused on safety and protecion, wanted to have everything planned and organized, like trips and happenings in the future. But the larger part of me wanted to be in the moment and let it all be led by impulses and synchronicities. An interesting battle between heart and mind followed. In May, I went to Mexico, visitied friends in different places, all in the flow and attended my first ayahuasca ceremony. It was the most terrifying and most beautiful night up to this point. I will maybe share more on a later point.
Over the summer 2018, I was in between inner journeys and outer experiences. Many project teams and ideas for brands, events, online platforms and coachings emerged and fell apart again, momentums were building and collapsing. Nothing seemed to be stable and reliable. Except for my art that I felt deeply drawn to, During another Bentinho Massaro retreat in July, where I also illustrated and exhibited my art, I felt that I want to now focus primarily on building the brand art of Serenity as an inspiration for people to feel the pure sense of being, an inner peace that is undisturbed and independant from outer circumstances. It felt honest from the heart to do this, offering uplifting calligraphic art, nature clips for the soul and zen photography. To help people connect to their heart.
While all other team projects were collapsing by themselves. I tried to embrace more fears and lack beliefs around abundance and selfworth. I was getting more and more ok with feeling it, but what felt pretty intense was the balancing act of the 2 worlds I was in: The 3d world of building a brand, having to pay the rent, doing taxes, needing to plan an organize everyday stuff versus the inner transformations, the knowing that we are so much more and that linearity and matter was only an illusion of the mind. I had felt and experienced too much to deny it. But I was struggling to bridge the 2 worlds, let alone explaining my inner journey to my academic friends or parents
Knowing nothing - fall & winter 2018
In late summer, I had weeks of being immersed in business building, videomaking and art, including a new line of channeled light code art and attracted clients who purchased some. That felt really good. In these phases I noticed bouts of trust and soft confidence, then again a lack belief kicked in, leaving me lost and exhausted. Then a sudden shift would happen and I was only drawn to inner awareness practice and dove into satsangs of Mooji, Adyashanti and Sri Summairu, all fully selfrealized sages who speak from a place of truth. If you dont know what I mean, read this brilliant summary of a "home-coming" journey here, by Robert Adams.
In these phases, I had such an intense longing and desire for truth and I was desperatly seeking something I call full awakening. Coming from the lackbased view that something out there can give it to me and that I was the little me chasing it. So many of my friends were on the same path and we could support one another. Being immersed in awareness, things like google analytics and follower-building on social media seemed almost absurd. I did not know why I had these changes in focus and impulses, from truth-seeking to creative flows and back. It confused me and made it impossible to stick to one project for a long period of time with discipline and focus. Over and over, I got challenged to trust the unfolding, trust in the unknown. A nightmare for the rational scared mind.
I noticed that the mindy part of me falsly thought it had control over what was happening and could plan the future or even dive into visualisation stuff to create the desired reality. Over and over I dropped it, tried to not insist on the outcome, just focused on the desired state of being. Until even that felt like too much forced effort and I got back to total surrender. It seemed, that every bit of attchement to outcome, that I had, was being smashed over and over again for me do learn some lessons.
There was a place inside of me that felt that this needed to happen, that there is goodwill and gifts in everything and that we will understand everything backwards. But the sense of seeker's exhaustion and business-building effort was growing. When I let everything be, it felt best.
Especially during 2017 I had deepened my connection and love for nature to an extent, that when I saw little wonders of life around me, like the beauty of light reflections on water, or wind in grass or a butterfly, I got sudden rushes of such an immense love and awe that it was overwhelming. It often ended in crying and laughing at the same time because I feel a sense of purity, beauty and expansion in my heart, that was unlike anything.
Since I saw little wonders everywhere, I started to record short clips of nature moments and created videos of these, with healing piano music of a friend and some inspiring texts. I felt such joy in this. I knew that they soothe the whole being, bring you into the present moment and reconnect you to the heart. If you like, see them here.
At the beginning of October 2018, I was off to Bali, for another 2 months of co-working and exploring what was relevant for me. Something had changed. It felt like a state where I fully admitted that I dont know anything. Total surrender through exhaustion. I saw so clearly my self-deceptions, my arrogance, selfishness, showing-off-mentality, old patterns, egostuff. At the same time, I dropped deeper into selflove and selfworth than ever, trying to not blame me for all of this. Just being aware, recognizing it, honouring it and being open to all that came felt so true. I didn't feel like getting into spiritual arguments or telling others what to think and feel.
During my time on Bali, I was living with a friend in a paradise like place, supported my body/heart-system with yin yoga, connected with amazing old and new soul friends, realized a lot and feel more and more peace, calmness and ok-ness inside. And my gratitude for the sacredness of life even increased so much. I was more and more ok with surrendering and not knowing what will happen. I trusted so much more. At the same time, whatever arose in terms of emotional triggers and releases, was felt much more intensly, deeply, intimitely. It was superpainful at times. But needed and healing. There is a beautiful (and looong) text from sage Sri Summairu, that resonated so much. Read it here, slowly, with your heart, if you want.
HEART OPENINGS - JANUARY 2019
In the last 2 weeks in Bali something happened that is hard to explain. I had such a heart opening (or that is what I think it was) that I felt like a spaceholder for all of my parts that wanted to come up to be seen and felt, all pain, fear, confusion, old patterns, doubts. From one day to the next I felt such a motherly, warm, deep compassion for all of me, unlike that was before (I know I keep saying that.)
What seemed to come with this was an equal compassion and love for everybody else, holding them whereever they are, feeling them aspart of me. Seeing all in their absolute okness and perfection. This was also accompanied by a very strong desire to be of service to others in these ways, offering a safe, unconditional space, where we are met with all that we are, It felt like all egoic, selfcentered energies in me were simply erased within one night. I was blown away and speechless.
This state lasted in it's intensity for about 3 weeks. Then it felt as it if was subsiding, the loving expansion was gone. And I was back to not embracing the parts that suffered, I was the parts that suffered. Intense waves of old childhood fears, insecurities and limiting beliefs came up, old feelings of "not being loved, not being seen, not being wanted." It was again just about letting it out, mostly with a lot of crying and a lot of selfpity. Again looking in the outside for validation, appreciation, permission to exist.
But I knew that my outer circumstances would reflect this back to me, until I give these parts what they need: Selflove, Nobody else could give this to me. My mind was constantly looking for the outer proof that I am really not loved and wanted. This is the filter of the mind, it can be brutal. It was an ongoing journey of releasing and allowing, of daring to break old patterns and sliding back into them.
Then, at times, more distance: A knowing that all is SEEN: these ups and downs, the rollercoaster, the "shaddow work", the longing to finally wake up one day in complete, irreversible selfworth, as if it had to be suddenly dropped into my lap. There might never be an end of ups and downs, there might never be an end to the amount of healing that can be done. There might never be a day where the character (thinking of itself as a separate entity) that is played out, will feel total selfworth. Maybe never. Maybe it is in itself a bottomless pit of integration, growth, selfdiscovery, healing, expansion and contraction.
There is something that sees all of this, and sees the whole path of the little person from the space of total perfection, wholeness and completeness. The awareness, that allows the whole game to happen exactly as it happens.
So I saw, that if I choose to, I can become aware of the space underneath the ups and downs, the thoughts and emotional rollercoasters. A space of quiet, silent, undisturbed peace. That which sees it all. It feels like the untroubled, vast ocean floor,, that connects us all, while on top crazy waves are going on.
The more I saw that it is my choice and my power to be aware of it or not, the whole game was again about playful lightness, exactly that, a GAME. Everything in the game is an experience. I saw more clearly that parts of me always want to run to the next teacher, sage, channeling or whatever outer means there are to confirm, assure or give me the next hint, pointer, nugget, permission to allow me to be who I already was.
This is ok and not to be judged, but also, once seen, it can be shifted. A new perspective can be trained like a muscle. Falling and standing up. It is so good to ask ourselves: What is it we are waiting for? We are scared to admit that we alone hold all the power. Yes, it can be so nice to have a higher source for help, then we do not have to do it ourselves.
DISCIPLINE & A NEW FOCUS
Between Asia in autumn 2018 and my next coworking trip I spent only 2 months at home. In February 2019 I left to India. I knew that India was a tough and fascinating place, since I had been there before but I did not expect it to push all my buttons that had to do with body issues, safety and wellbeing. And I did not expect it to gift me with "once in a lifetime experiences".
I met friends in different places, jumped into the largest human gathering on the planet, the Kumbh Mela festival, went to Mooji satsangs in Rishikesh, made new friends, discovered the world of Ayurveda and watched bodies burn in the ghats of Varanasi. This trip showed me all my fears around constantly needing to keep my body in a safe, protected, warm, clean, silent, spacious and esthetic environment.
I could perfectly train my alignment in settings that were the exact opposite of safe, warm, spacious, clean and inviting. It showed me that when I need to put lots of energy in selfprotection, I have no urge for creativity or business building. The trip also showed me - again - deeper layers of feeling connected to everything. It showed me that I avoid discipline, focus, routine and structure but that all of that is needed for selfcare, selfempowerment and independancy. It showed me at the same time that following my intuitive impulses in every moment is the way to go, since miracles happen. It was a party of paradoxes.
I saw that there is no end to learning and deepening in life. After coming back I was dedicated to offer new services from the heart and build a solid foundation in supporting people with the issues I overcame and learned myself as well as the things that come easily and naturally to me. My souls nudged me with loving and sometimes intense kicks in the butt to own my power, my alignment, my state of being, my wellbeing and urged me to step up for greater services. With this came more clarity and a new joy and willingness to face my greatest fears as portals to freedom, to speak more vulnerably and openly about what moves me, to stop hiding and to encourage others to become self-sufficient creators.
How many people (myself included) are blocking themselves from the true freedom, inner peace and joy that is our birthright by avoiding to feel their feelings fully, by not taking responsibility for their reflections, by being a victim of circumstances, by believing what the mind program whispers in their heads to keep them small and limited.
I desire us all to thrive with our soul passions and callings, living an abundant, free, empowered, compassionate, light, fulfilled and conscious life.
What I have learned is what I want to inspire with: Home is inside. The human collective is shifting from head to heart and will be experiencing groundbreaking realizations in the coming years. Slowly quantum physics, neuro science and other areas discover - often in total amazement - what sages throughout time have talked about. Everything is energy. Everything is connected. There is no ultimate truth. Reality is very different than what we though it is. There is no limit to (human) potential. The outside is a direct reflection of our inside. And much much more.
A lot will change for all of us, while humanity wakes up.
MY CALLING, MY MISSION AND MY VISION, REDEFIGNED
There seems to be 2 parallel paths happening now, both of which feel very true, right and fulfilling.
1) Petra Heveroch services: DEDICATED TO TRUE FREEDOM & WELLBEING.
Honest & holistic guidance for an aligned life: Embrace yourself, be free & play!
I am here to embody a new paradigm of freedom & wellbeing.
During the shift in consciousness that is happening on this planet right now, we go through a rollercoaster of highs and lows, are confronted with limiting beliefs, supressed emotions & collective programming that is being released and cleared along the way. We all have our own unique journey.
And on this journey we are asked to go within, face our pains, fears and shaddows, embrace it all, love it, integrate it and choose our truest state of being, over and over.
Well, to be honest, it can be tough. :) Beautiful, mindblowing and intense. I am asked everyday to be true to myself and embody in myself what I want to see in the outside. So I do this, to the best of my ability, in highs and lows, and hold myself, all parts and others, with the most gentleness, care & empathy possible. With humor, lightness and radical honesty.
My VISION for this planet is that people and businesses alike
🌸 live & act aligned to their heart.
🌸 are free, well, at ease, abundant & internally fulfilled.
🌸 are realizing that we are all one family.
I can only show you with the maximum honesty what I go through, while doing my best to choose, in every moment, a state of being that feels true from the heart, without insistence to the outcome.
☀️ Choosing trust over distrust, clarity over confusion, abundance over scarcity, awareness over mind, creativity over stuckness, playfulness over seriousness, spontaneity over strict rules, flow over stagnation, selfembrace over selfrejection, worthiness over unworthiness, generosity over greed, all-is-possible-mindset over old paradigms, selfresponsibility over blame, kindness over fights, transparency over dishonesty, passion over lethargy, synergy over competition, service over selfishness, heart over head, source-intuition over facts, love over fear, awe over narrow mindsets and unity over separation.
🔥 And holy moly, sometimes it is easy, sometimes not so easy. On some days I am feeling small and limited and wanna blame life and on (a growing number of) other days I can tap into it and be it. And that is all part of the game.
💃 You have to find your own nuggets and make your own choices based on your inner voice. Nothing outside will change if you dont change first. I know from experience that any shift starts with me and ends with me. I want to show you, by example (also when its going downhill ;)) what practically, in everyday life, works for me and support you through the shift, so you might be inspired to live an aligned life or run an aligned business, connect to your own truth and find your own alignment. So you can unwrap all the gifts that are ready for you and totally fall in love with the wonder of life.
I trust in a paradigm of ease. All doors are open.
2) the art of Serenity - DEDICATED TO THE WONDER OF LIFE
As nature, sound, art and beauty are such perfect dooropeners to this state of inner harmony, the art of Serenity as my brand will offer you calligraphic art, art services, soul films and zen photography.
If this speaks to you, you can stay updated via https://www.facebook.com/artofserenity/
It feels really awesome. It is as if my soul throws a party because I am finally stepping into my true purpose. Along the way, fears and triggers come up to be felt and integrated. But an inner peace is always there, accessible for all of us, as the ground of being.
Enjoy the ride! :)
I am Petra. I am on a journey of transformation, of remembering who I really am, like all of us.
From not following my heart, a lot of inauthenticity, doubts and fears to waking up, a new sense of freedom and discovering deeper layers of truth in my being.
The incredible, surreal and mindblowing things that happened after I finally allowed myself to listen to my inner voice, had such an impact on me, that I want to share them and maybe help and inspire those who are open to it.
I am just offering perspectives. I share my way of tapping into the frequency that is the true nature of all of us: Presence, freedom, gratitude, selfhonesty, allowance, playfulness, litmitlessness, expansion.
When you allow yourself to listen to your inner guidance, you go on a magical (and intense) ride that you cannot even imagine.
If you dare to embrace yourself fully, worlds of incredible beauty will open up inside of you (and in front of you).
Enjoy the ride!
UPDATE: I will share about my path and post inspirational tools, happenings and insights mostly on my facebook page.